86 Letters
by nwtly
Summary: In episode 511, Peyton comes into Brooke’s C/B store, hands her an envelope, and Brooke says: “if that’s letter number 86 from the side box of Lucas’ summer, you can keep it.” There are 4 more letters - this is my take on what Brooke wrote in them.
1. Letter 83

**86 Letters**

**Disclaimer:** These characters belong to Mark Schwahn, my hero. I own none of them, unfortunately. No copyright infringement intended.

**Timeline:**Starts when Peyton tells Brooke she has feelings for Lucas, until episode 11 of Season 5, You're Gonna Need Someone On Your Side.

**Summary:** Brooke wrote 4 more letters that she never sent to Lucas.

**Author's note:** In episode 11 of season 5, when Peyton comes into Brooke's C/B store, she hands her an envelope, and Brooke tells her_ "if that's letter number 86 from the side box of Lucas' summer, you can keep it."_ She said 86 instead of 82, and even though a lot of us saw this as a mistake from the writers, Mark said that it would be explained later on (I am assuming Season 6). But I can hardly wait until then, so I've started to write those letters.

Here is the first letter, and the next 3 will come soon… if my muse cooperates ;-)

This is only my second BL/OTH fic, but I hope to do justice to those two characters I love so much.

* * *

_83  
_

Luke,

Today feels like the hardest day of my life.

I woke up yesterday with my heart yearning for you and elated at the thought of your return. I held you in arms during Nathan and Haley's rehearsal dinner, proof of their unwavering love for each other. I felt your heart beat against mine when you embraced me, and suddenly everything was alright in my world.

And then it all crashed down on me again.

I am writing yet another letter, but I know I can never give this one to you. I no longer have the right. She took it away, with a few words whispered amidst tears and broken hearts.

She loves you, Luke. No wait, scratch that. She is _in_ love with you. My Peyton, my best friend, who gave me her blessing when I said I wanted to give us another chance. She looked me right in the eye and said she wouldn't stand in our way again, only to confess her undying love for you last night, mere months later.

And as the second the words rolled off her tongue, something in me broke, because I knew. I hate her for doing this, because she knows what it means just as well as I do. She wasn't just being _honest_ with me. That's just_ bullshit._ She knows how much I love her. She knows that this friendship means the world to me. She was my family when my own parents wouldn't even take the time to visit me for my own birthday. I didn't grow up alone – I grew up with her.

And she knew, when she confessed to me that she still had feelings for you, what it meant.

I have to let you go.

But God, Luke, I am _so_ in love with you. So much that the mere idea of letting you go for just one day breaks me into a million pieces – pieces you will not be there to pick up. It kills me inside, and I know it will haunt me for the rest of my days.

You're the guy for me, Luke. I wasn't sure before, but ever since that night on the beach, those words have been anchored in my heart, keeping my feet on the ground while my heart has been soaring heights. You're the guy for me, and it's what makes this so difficult.

And yet I know how it goes. Peyton loves you, and you… you've had a crush on her ever since you first laid eyes on her, years ago. You may not see her in that light now, but I know that someday you will. Someday you will wonder what could have been – what should have been, according to everybody. According to you, too. You're the tortured athlete and she's the tortured artist. That's the way you thought it should be for a long time.

And one day you're going to look at me and I'm only going to be standing in the way of the future you had always envisioned with Peyton. One day you're going to break my heart, again. It's inevitable, just like we were. The difference is Peyton and you are… destiny. Right, Luke? Isn't that it? I have to believe that. Because if not, what I'm about to do will have been for nothing.

I think what hurts the most right now is the knowledge of _how_ I'm going to have to let you go. I've been thinking as I've been lying here. I can't tell you that this is about Peyton. If I do, you will deny it, and say that you don't have feelings for her. You may not right now, but someday you will, and you need to realize this on your own. And so I know what I have to do. I've been rehearsing it in my head, down to the very last word.

_I guess because of it I stopped missing you.  
_

_I love you Lucas, and I probably always will.  
_

_But I can't do this anymore.  
_

I can't say that everything about this relationship has been easy. You're a mystery of your own, Lucas Scott, and the way you have kept your heart closed to me in the event of Keith's death hurt me more than I could tell you. I wanted you to let me all the way in, but you just couldn't. You never could.

And maybe that sums it all up. I want everything with you, but there's a part of your heart you never opened up to me. Maybe that part is Peyton's – maybe all of it is Peyton's. Your heart, your mind, your future. Everything.

I hope you make her happy, Luke. I hope that with all my heart. And I hope that one day I can stand next to the two of you and not hurt like I think it will hurt. The truth is it already does. So much. So bad.

But the hardest part is not letting you go or how much it hurts. The hardest part is that I can't help but believe that one day you will come back to me. Part of me hopes you won't believe that I somehow stopped missing you. Part of me hopes you will fight for me until I can no longer stand the lie. Part of me hopes you will not go running straight into her opens arms, but instead prove to the world that I am the one for you.

I hope you prove me right, but my hope has been crushed by Peyton's words. It's like I can't breathe anymore.

But it's all for your happiness, and Peyton's.

I just have to convince myself that someday this will all be okay.

Your Pretty Girl

* * *


	2. Letter 84

_**Author's note:**_ thank you so much to each one of you for reading this story and reviewing it. I can't tell you how much it means it me. I know this chapter is shorter but that's the way my muse wanted things to be. I hope you like it :-)

_84_

Lucas,

When I let you go six months ago, I thought I could live through the heartbreak and move on with my heart. Tonight I know that I was fooling myself.

In what possible universe could I handle seeing you in bed with Peyton right after you had sex and be_ okay_ with it?

Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I walked away from the two of you in a daze and I tried to erase that image from my mind, but no matter how hard I try to ignore it, this moment has left a mark on my heart. It hurts, Luke. Damn it, it still hurts like hell.

I had to stop and empty the content of my stomach on the side of the road. I know it wasn't because of the alcohol. The sight of you two sobered me up in a fraction of second.

I didn't expect this to be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard. Maybe if I had known, I wouldn't have had the courage to go through with it. But I guess I got what I wanted in the end because you are happy and so is Peyton. I just wish it was enough. I wish it made giving up on both my best friend and boyfriend easier, but it doesn't. When I was crying over my boyfriend, no one was there to hold me in their arms and tell me it was going to be okay. And when I was hurting over losing my best friend, there was no boy standing next to me and making it all worth it.

Why did you have to pick me the second time around? You said all those things to me and made me feel like what we had was so much more than anything you had ever felt. And I believed you. But if it was all true, how can you be with her the way you are now, blatantly ignoring everything we ever had? Why did seeing you lying in bed with her feel like finding out you cheated on me?

Why does it hurt that damn much after all this time?

Do you remember that night during our junior year when you found me on the beach after our formal? I was upset and you were there for me in spite of everything. You just sat next to me and asked me if I was okay, like a friend would. And do you remember what I answered? _"Why does everybody lie? The bad guys lie to get in your bed, and the good guys lie to get in your heart. And I'm the idiot who falls for it_ every time_."_

You said that I wasn't an idiot and you tried to convince me otherwise. But you were lying about that too, because I fell for all of it again a few months later.

You got in my heart again and I hate you for that.

You said you were the guy for me. You said I would see. You said you loved me. You said it meant everything.

And right now I really wish you could keep your promise and rescue me from all of it.

Brooke


	3. Letter 85

**Author's note:** First off, I just wanted to thank everybody for reading and reviewing this fic... you made me and my muse really happy :-) I'll probably post the last chapter by Friday, so you won't have to wait too long for the last letter.

One of you asked me if there was going to be a resolution or some kind of chapter where Lucas would confront Brooke about the letters… I won't post any additional chapter in this fic, but I am seriously thinking about writing another story where Lucas would eventually find the letters and confront Brooke about the way things happened during senior year and the way she feels about him (and the way _he _feels about her!). The thing is that I don't want it to be a one-shot because I think there are far too many issues to be dealt with. So if the muse cooperates and if I have enough time on my hands (I'm about to move across the globe in two weeks so it's going to get crazy!), I will definitely write that fic. It's been on my mind for a while anyway, I just have to actually start writing it :-)

But anyway, I'll stop venting. I hope you enjoy the letter!

* * *

_85_

Lucas,

It's funny how there were so many moments during high school when I wished I could be anywhere but here, and instead fast forward to a time in the future when everything would be finally be alright. But as we all separated on the river court last night I felt something change in me, and now I wish I could go back to the safety of the past four years – walking down the halls with Peyton, being a cheerleader, getting half-naked in the back of your car, going away for a week-end with my group of best friends.

The truth is I'm scared.

I'm scared I won't find my way; I'm scared everyone has their path marked down in front of them when I'm just eternally going to stand still with no direction to guide my steps.

You held me in your arms last night and for a brief moment it seemed like everything was going to be okay. That moment is long gone by now. The air is cold again and your arms have gone back to the place your heart now calls home – Peyton.

You said I was brilliant and beautiful and brave. You wrote those words in your book and they are now forever printed in my heart. The irony is that without you, I wouldn't have been half of these things. Sometimes I hate you for it, sometimes I am grateful. But it doesn't change the fact that you shaped the person that I am.

If I change the world someday, it will be because once upon a time, when you still loved me, you changed me into someone that could. I'm not saying I can't_ live_ without you or I can't_ be_ without you. But you make me a better person, Luke. You always have, for better or for worse.

I couldn't sleep last night because my mind was too full of memories to sleep or even close my eyes. All I could do was reflect on the last four years and how they have changed me and made me grow more than anyone you have ever known. I'm proud of how far I've come. I just wonder how much farther I can go.

I'm going to miss you, Lucas Scott. I've missed you for a while now, but moving across the country will just make it more real, more definite. And as I am sitting at the airport, waiting for my plane for LA to board, I know now more than ever that I am not ready for that. I wish you could stay in my life longer. I wish we could be friends like before.

I don't know how to say goodbye to you, Luke. I already didn't know how a few months ago, when we broke up. I even came back to you a few weeks later because the pain was overwhelming and I thought for a moment that maybe I could forget about Peyton's feelings and just take back what I had given up.

But as I listened to Whitey's speech that night, it occurred to me that while he was describing my feelings for you, he wasn't describing yours. When I said that trying to get back together was a mistake, you_ agreed_. When I walked out of your life, you_ never_ fought to get me back. And as I watched Peyton during that night, I could see how much it hurt her to watch us together, and no matter how much I missed you, none of it mattered anymore. I let you go again.

And tonight, as the three of us walked into the airport, I didn't know how to say goodbye either. I stood there, frozen, my plane ticket in one hand, my heart in the other. The way you looked at her made me feel like my own hand was gripping it and crushing it until all that was left of it were scattered pieces on the ground. I had to get out of there so I just grabbed my bag, said a few words that probably made no sense, hugged you without even looking at you and walked towards the gate as fast I could. I went through security with my eyes full of tears and I didn't look back, afraid you would see them and understand.

I hope you have a good life, Luke. I didn't know how to say goodbye, but as we separate tonight, I want you to know that I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you become the next great American writer and you get your book published soon. I hope your heart keeps on beating in your chest the way it should. I hope that one day you can look back on your memories with Keith and finally feel like the pain has lessened. I hope all your dreams come true over the years and that the one person you love will stand beside you to share them with you.

And selfishly, I hope you never forget about me. You know, Brooke Davis, Cheery, Pretty Girl – the girl you used to picture standing next to you when all your dreams come true.

But anyway. I'll see you soon, Broody. Hopefully.

Brooke


	4. Letter 86

**Author's Note:** Here is the last of the 4 letters, as promised. It's been a lovely ride with all of you - thank you for sticking around until the last chapter. I'm sad this fic is already done, it was a pleasure writing it.

A few of you asked whether I would write a sequel where Lucas would confront Brooke about the letters... and the answer is yes. I've already started it, and it might actually be longer than what I'd originally imagined. Anyway, my point is, watch out for that fic in the next few days ;-)

Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I loved writing it.

See you around,

Laurie

* * *

_86_

Lucas,

I don't know how to begin this letter. I don't even know if I should be writing – maybe it's better for my sake if I try to forget the way I feel. But something about the way you looked at me tonight shook me to my very core, and I couldn't ignore those feelings even if I tried with all my heart.

When I let you go during senior year, I wondered how I was ever going to get over you. It took me a long time to accept the fact that you weren't coming back to me, but I moved on, eventually. I dated Chase, spent the summer in L.A., moved to New York, and then life got so busy that forgetting about how much it hurt was much easier. I could go on living my life knowing that you and Peyton were happy, and that maybe one day I would learn to give my heart again.

But you showed up in New York last night and everything changed. My world slowly but surely titled back on its axis during the night, and by the time I left you in that hotel room, I found myself back to square one – or should I say, back in the Bermuda Triangle of Death.

It would have been so easy for you not to call me, but you did. And maybe it was because we had broken up a long time ago or maybe just because the pain of losing you had finally lessened, but seeing you and talking to you after all this time felt like discovering an old friendship that was about to bloom into so much more. I had forgotten how easy it was to spend time with you. God, it felt good to hear your voice and see your smile.

And then you got down on your knee in front of me, and my entire being froze. My heart prayed for you not to say the words, but you did. You said the words that were meant for Peyton while looking straight into _my_ eyes and I knew that this moment would forever remain burned in my heart.

Somehow I ended up wearing Peyton's ring and pretending to be your fiancée, and that's when I started losing all sense of direction. I could no longer tell north from south, and it wasn't just because of the free champagne. My head knew better but my heart was getting carried away, and when the carriage driver asked us what our life plans were, I wasn't pretending anymore. You were thinking about her the entire time while I was remembering the dreams we used to share.

I won't lie and say that it wasn't hard to let those moments pass by and keep my feelings buried deep down. But it all would have been okay if only you hadn't pressed your lips against mine in that hotel room. Why did you have to do that, Luke? What did you have to leave me wondering what it meant? That's the hardest part – not knowing if this kiss just meant that you were drunk and missing Peyton or if there is some part of you that misses me, somehow.

But do you remember what I once told you? I wish I could forget it now and pretend that this belief was never mine.

A kiss _always_ means something.

I had to let you go one more time and I wish you'd had enough sense to hold back. How could you _kiss_ me? We're not in high school anymore. We are adults now, grown ups living in the big scary world, getting engaged and writing books and starting fashion lines. And yet the taste of your lips transported me back to a time where you were mine and things were so much easier.

Part of me wanted to be selfish for once and act on my feelings. I wanted to kiss you back, and to hell with Peyton and stupid sacrifices. But it's not who I am. And it wasn't you either – just the alcohol. Because nothing would have happened, had you been sober. Right?

I walked out of your hotel room with tears in my eyes and it took the entire cab ride for me to calm down. It's amazing that after all this time, you still have that much power over me. You made my heart race and my head spin. You made me feel alive.

I wish you could take it all back now. All the things I gave, like the take of my kiss on your lips. I miss that now.

The man that drove our carriage through New York was right. Love is what it's all about.

I missed you, Broody. I wish you were in my life.

But you're not mine to have. Maybe you never were.

Brooke


End file.
